A Child's Anger – Where Does It Come From and How Should You Respond?

A Child's Anger – Where Does It Come From and How Should You Respond?

“I hate you!”, “You’re stupid!”, “I’ll never love you again!”—and all because you wouldn’t let them have a third scoop of ice cream. Or the child throws toys, slams doors, and when you try to hug them—they push you away and kick you.

If these scenes sound familiar, you’re not alone. Tantrums are one of the most challenging aspects of raising children aged 5–8. And they’re one of the things that throw parents off balance the most. Because when your child screams that they hate you, it’s hard to stay calm and not take it personally.

I remember Agnieszka, the mother of six-year-old Zosia, who came to me completely exhausted: “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Zosia is sweet and lovable, but as soon as she doesn’t like something—she turns into a little monster. She screams, throws things, and sometimes even hits me. I feel helpless and… to be honest, sometimes I just don’t like her in those moments. And I think that’s what scares me the most.”

If this sounds familiar to you—keep reading. I’ll help you understand where this anger comes from, why your child reacts this way, and—most importantly—what you can do to turn these difficult moments into learning opportunities instead of daily battles.

Remember: anger is a natural emotion. Just because your child sometimes loses their temper doesn’t mean you’re raising them poorly. It means they’re human.

Why is my child so mean?

Let’s start with the most important thing—your child isn’t “bad.” A child who has a tantrum isn’t doing it to hurt you (even though it may seem that way sometimes). They’re doing it because their brain is still learning how to cope with powerful emotions.

Try for a moment to see the world through the eyes of a five- or seven-year-old. You’re a little person in a big world where you have little control. Adults are always telling you what to do: when to get up, what to eat, when to stop playing at the playground, when to take a bath. But you have your own needs, desires, and ideas. And they’re just as important to you as the adults’ concerns are to them.

Now imagine you’re in the middle of a fun activity. You’re building a huge castle out of blocks, and your mom says, “It’s time for dinner, clean up!” Or maybe you were having a great time at the playground, and your dad says, “Let’s go, I have to get to the store.” For you, that’s the end of something important. And you feel a huge wave of frustration building up inside you.

The problem? Between the ages of 5 and 8, children are still developing the part of the brain responsible for regulating emotions—the prefrontal cortex. To use a vivid analogy—it’s as if they have a very sensitive fire alarm (the limbic system, which detects threats and frustration), but a fire extinguisher that isn’t quite up to the task yet (the prefrontal cortex, which helps them calm down and think rationally).

That’s why what seems like a minor thing to you (“so what if we’re leaving the park—we’ll come back tomorrow”) is a huge, overwhelming loss to a child. And that’s exactly why they have a meltdown.

The five most common causes of tantrums in children

To effectively help your child manage their anger, it’s important to understand what actually triggers it. Here are the most common causes:

1. Frustration and a sense of powerlessness – children at this age are developing a sense of autonomy. They want to make decisions and have a say in their own lives. When they constantly hear “no” or are forced to do something against their will, they feel powerless. And that powerlessness often manifests as anger.
2. Fatigue and hunger—it sounds obvious, but most tantrums in children happen before meals or when a child is tired. Low blood sugar and lack of sleep reduce the ability to regulate emotions. Paweł, the father of a seven-year-old, once told me: “Ever since I’ve been trying to remember and be aware of when Szymon has an outburst, I’ve noticed a clear pattern—90% of the time it’s between 5:00 and 6:00 p.m., before dinner. Now I give him a small snack at 4:30 p.m., and the number of his uncontrollable outbursts has dropped by half.”
3. Being overwhelmed by too many stimuli—a busy day at preschool or school, a lot of noise, a change of plans, a doctor’s visit—all of these things can be overwhelming for a child. Sometimes they have an outburst in the evening not because something happened “right here, right now,” but because of the accumulated stress from the entire day.
4. Imitation – children are like sponges; they absorb everything they see. If adults at home react to frustration with anger (by yelling or slamming doors), the child learns that this is how one responds to difficult emotions.
5. A need for attention – sometimes anger is a child’s way of getting your attention. If your child sees that when they’re playing quietly, you’re busy on your phone, but when they scream, you show up immediately, they may unconsciously learn that anger “works” perfectly to get your attention.

How to respond when an outburst occurs? Five steps

Theory is one thing, but what do you do when your child is screaming and throwing shoes? Here’s a concrete action plan that I’ve tested in practice:

Step 1: Stay calm (easier said than done, I know)

This is the most important and the hardest part (yes, I know it’s hard and “easier said than done!”). When your child screams, your own limbic system kicks in too—you feel anger, frustration, maybe even embarrassment (especially when it happens in a store in front of other people). But if you lose your temper too, you’ll only make things worse.

Instead, take a deep breath. Literally. Five slow breaths in and out. This activates the parasympathetic nervous system and helps you calm down. Tell yourself in your mind: “This isn’t a personal attack. My child just needs help managing their emotions.”

Step 2: Name the child’s emotion

Children this age often can't put their feelings into words. Help them do so:

• "I can tell you're really upset because we have to leave the playground now."
• “I understand you’re upset because you wanted to keep painting, and I turned off the light.”

Simply naming an emotion has a remarkably calming effect. Research shows that the process of naming feelings activates the rational part of the brain, which helps reduce the intensity of the emotion.

Step 3: Show that you understand (but don't change your mind)

Important: understanding ≠ giving in You can say, “I understand that you’re upset. I’d be sad too if someone told me to stop doing something fun”—but that doesn’t mean you’ll change your mind now and stay at the playground for another hour. A child needs to feel understood, but they also need boundaries. These two things aren’t mutually exclusive.

Step 4: Suggest an alternative or a way to "let off" some steam

Anger is energy. It has to come out somewhere. Instead of letting your child take it out on you or their siblings, give them a safe outlet:

• “Stand firmly on the ground and stomp your feet three times to let the anger flow out through your feet”
• “Would you like to do a balloon-blowing exercise with me? We’ll take a deep breath and slowly let the air out, as if we were blowing up a big balloon.”

Veronica, the mother of six-year-old Matilda, has set up a “calming corner” at home—a comfortable pillow, a few stuffed animals, and a jar filled with glitter in water (you can shake it and watch the glitter slowly settle). When Matylda feels angry, she knows she can go there and stay until she feels better. It’s not a punishment—it’s a safe space for her emotions.

Step 5: Don't speak until the storm has passed

This is crucial: when a child is in the throes of a tantrum, the rational part of their brain is shut down. Explaining, persuading, negotiating—none of it works at that moment.

First, emotions need to settle down. Only then can you talk, explain, and teach. Sometimes it takes five minutes, sometimes half an hour. Be patient.

What if a child hits, kicks, or is physically aggressive?

This is the moment that terrifies parents the most. Your beloved child has suddenly turned into a furious little person who hits, pinches, and kicks you. Remember one thing—this doesn’t mean you’re raising a future aggressor. Physical aggression in children aged 5–8 is relatively common and usually stems from an inability to express emotions verbally and the impulsivity typical of this age group.

But of course, you can't let that happen. Here's how to respond:

1. Stop it immediately—physically stop the child. Gently but firmly hold the hand that is striking you. Say calmly but very clearly: “Stop. I won’t let you hit me. You can be angry, but you must not hit.” This is a firm boundary, and there is no room for negotiation.
2. Remove the child from the situation (if necessary)—if the child continues, physically take them away from where they are. This isn’t a punishment—it’s a way to stop the situation from escalating. Say calmly, “I can see that you’re having a really hard time calming down. I’ll stay right here with you, but I won’t let you hurt yourself or me.”
3. Don’t respond with aggression—I know it’s very difficult, especially when it hurts. But hitting your child in response to their hitting teaches them only one thing: that hitting is okay when you’re the one who’s angry and stronger.
4. Talk about it later—once things have calmed down (it might even be a few hours later), bring it up again: “Do you remember how you were really angry today and hit me? I know you did it because you were feeling very frustrated. But hitting isn’t okay. Ever. When you feel angry, you can say, ‘Mom, I’m so angry!’ or you can stomp your feet. But you mustn’t hit. Do you understand?”

And of course, if physical aggression is frequent and intense, it’s a good idea to consult a specialist, such as a child psychologist, who can help you and your child find effective strategies.

Learning for the Future: How Can You Teach Your Child to Manage Anger?

Reacting in the heat of the moment is one thing. But real change happens when you teach your child how to manage their anger during calm moments. It’s like teaching a child to swim—you don’t teach them how to swim when they’re drowning, but when they’re calm and safe.

1. Talk about emotions every day—share your feelings: “Oh, I was really angry today because I spilled my coffee. I could feel the anger boiling up inside me. So I took a deep breath to calm down.” This shows your child that anger is normal and that it can be managed.
2. Read books about emotions—picture books are a great tool. By reading about a character who gets angry, children learn to recognize that emotion and discover ways to cope with it.
3. Learn calming techniques together—practice breathing exercises together: “Blowing on Hot Soup” (deep inhale, slow exhale), “Blowing Away Gray Clouds” (visualizing anger leaving the body), “Tree Roots” (standing firmly on your feet, imagining that your feet are sending roots deep into the ground). Once a child knows these techniques and practices them calmly, it will be easier for them to use them when they feel anger rising within them.
4. Create an “anger plan”—talk to your child when things are calm: “You know, we all get angry sometimes. What could you do the next time you feel yourself getting angry, before the anger gets too big?” Your child can come up with their own ways. It could be going to a “calming corner,” stomping their feet, saying to themselves “I’m angry,” or hugging a stuffed animal.
5. Notice and acknowledge when your child does well – “I saw how frustrated you were today when your block tower fell over. But instead of yelling, you said you were upset and built it again. I’m proud of you! That was a great example of self-control.”

When you praise your child for certain behaviors, they want to continue doing them. When you point out the times when your child handles their emotions well, you show them that this is valuable and important.

Why Anger Isn't the Enemy

Finally, I want to say something that might surprise you—anger isn’t a bad emotion. Anger serves an important purpose. It tells us that:

• something's wrong,
• our borders have been violated,
• Something needs to change.

Anger provides the energy to act and defend oneself. The problem isn’t anger itself, but what we do with it. That’s why your job as a parent isn’t to “eliminate” anger in your child. It’s impossible and unnecessary. Your job is to teach your child how to recognize anger, accept it as a part of themselves, and express it in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone—neither others nor themselves.

I know this is hard work and it will require patience, consistency, and… managing your own emotions. Because the truth is, a child learns to manage anger mainly by watching you. However, you need to know that every day you help your child understand and name their emotions is an investment in their future—in an adult who will be able to express emotions in a healthy way, resolve conflicts, and respect their own boundaries.

Do you need help building your child's emotional resilience?

I know how it feels. When evening rolls around and you’re exhausted after a long day. And on top of that, you have to be a calm, empathetic parent who helps your child name their emotions and learn calming techniques. This often exceeds the capabilities of even the most dedicated parents. That’s why we created FIBO—the first character-building teacher in the form of an interactive, plush owl that supports parents during the toughest moments of parenting.

FIBO doesn't replace you as a parent—it supports you

When your child feels angry, sad, or anxious—FIBO talks to them, helps them name their emotions, and guides them through proven calming techniques—the same ones you read about in this article: “blowing on hot soup,” “tree roots,” and “blowing away gray clouds.” Meanwhile, you can see everything in the mobile app—how your child is coping with their emotions, what challenges they’re facing, and which techniques work best.

Parents who have tried FIBO say it has been a game-changer in their homes:

• Less shouting
• More peace and quiet
• A child who asks to do breathing exercises on their own when they feel anger building up inside them
• Parents who finally have the time and energy to be warm and present, rather than exhausted by constant outbursts