Difficulties with regulating emotions – how can you teach your child self-regulation?
You’re at the supermarket. Your six-year-old has just been told “no” when asking to buy another toy. And here it goes—screaming, crying, throwing themselves on the floor. People are looking around. You feel your face burning, and a mix of shame, frustration, and helplessness swirls in your head. You try to calm your child down, but they’re like a runaway train—nothing and no one can stop them.
Or consider another scenario. Your seven-year-old daughter comes home from school. Something went wrong during class. You can tell she’s upset, but when you ask what happened, she explodes in anger: “Leave me alone! You don’t understand anything!” and slams her bedroom door shut. And all you wanted to do was help.
Difficulty regulating emotions is one of the most common developmental challenges for children aged 5–8—and one of the most exhausting for parents.
I remember Marta, the mother of six-year-old Ola, who came to me feeling defeated. She said, “I don’t know what to do anymore. Ola’s emotions are like a roller coaster. In the morning she’s happy, and a moment later she’s in despair because she can’t find her favorite shirt. Then she flies into a rage at her brother over some trivial reason. And in the evening she cries that nobody likes her. Sometimes I get the impression that it’s not Ola who’s in control of her emotions, but her emotions that are in control of her. And I don’t know how to help her.”
In this article, I’ll help you understand what emotional self-regulation is, why children struggle with it, and—most importantly—how you can support your child as they learn to manage their emotions on a daily basis.
Remember: difficulty regulating emotions is not a sign of your child’s weakness or your failure as a parent. It’s a natural part of development that takes time, support, and regular practice.
“Emotional self-regulation”—what does that really mean?
Emotional self-regulation is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage one’s own emotions in such a way that they do not take control of us or lead to destructive behavior.
An adult who feels anger building up can usually recognize it, identify its cause, and choose how to respond. For a child, this process is completely different—the emotion arises suddenly, without warning, and the child doesn’t yet have the tools to cope with it. That’s why they scream, cry, throw things, or withdraw into themselves.
A child is just learning self-regulation and needs an adult guide to help them learn.
Why Can't My Child Calm Down? A Brief Lesson on the Brain
A child’s brain can be compared to a house undergoing extensive renovations. Some parts of it are already functioning very well, while others are still developing.
The limbic system, which is responsible for emotions, is extremely active in children. Anger is intense, sadness is overwhelming, and joy is explosive. The problem lies in the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for inhibiting impulses, planning, and controlling emotions. It matures very slowly and does not reach full functionality until adulthood.
It’s a bit like a child having the engine of a sports car but the brakes of a scooter. Emotions build up in an instant, while the mechanisms for reining them in are still in their infancy.
That’s why throwing a tantrum over a broken crayon or a sandwich cut into triangles instead of squares isn’t manipulation or meanness. It’s an immature brain struggling with powerful emotions.
How can you recognize difficulties with emotional regulation?
All children have tantrums sometimes. However, difficulties with self-regulation may occur when:
- emotional reactions are very intense and disproportionate to the situation,
- It takes the child a long time to calm down,
- can't put a name to his emotions,
- has great difficulty switching between activities,
- He often gets into conflicts with his peers.
Isolated incidents are the norm. However, if this pattern persists over a longer period of time, it’s worth taking a closer look.
How can you help your child learn self-regulation?
1. Stay calm during an emotional storm
When your child is experiencing strong emotions, your most important task is to stay calm. It’s difficult, but crucial. Your calmness acts as an anchor—it shows your child that while the emotions are intense, they’re safe.
2. Help your child identify the emotion
“I can tell you’re very angry,” “It looks like you’re sad and disappointed.” Simply naming an emotion reduces its intensity and helps a child learn to recognize their own feelings.
3. Accept emotions, but not every behavior
Anger, sadness, or frustration are okay. Hitting, destroying things, or insulting others—they’re not. A child needs clear boundaries and safe ways to express their emotions.
4. Practice relaxation techniques during quiet moments
Breathing exercises, visualizations, “blowing on hot soup,” a jar of glitter, or playing “turtle”—these are techniques a child should learn when they are calm.
5. Introduce the "emotion ladder"
Help your child recognize emotions early on—before they reach a boiling point. This teaches self-awareness and prevents things from escalating.
6. Create a safe, quiet corner
It’s not a punishment, but a place where a child can calm down and regain their composure at their own pace.
7. Appreciate the effort, not perfection
Notice the moments when your child tries to manage their emotions—even if they don’t get it perfectly right. This reinforces their motivation to keep learning.
When should you seek help?
Consider consulting a specialist if:
- emotional outbursts are very common and long-lasting,
- the child harms themselves or others,
- these difficulties affect relationships and performance at school,
- somatic symptoms appear (stomachaches, headaches, sleep problems),
- As a parent, you feel exhausted and helpless.
Self-regulation is a skill for life
Every conversation, every time you name an emotion, and every moment of calm during a difficult time is an investment in your child’s future. Adults who can regulate their emotions do better in relationships, at work, and in stressful situations.
Do you need help developing self-regulation?
Dealing with a child’s emotions on a daily basis can be exhausting. That’s why FIBO was created—an interactive plush owl that helps children identify their emotions and practice proven calming techniques.
FIBO doesn't replace you as a parent—it supports you
FIBO helps your child learn self-regulation, while allowing you to stay calm and consistent in the daily challenges of parenting.
Learn more at heyfibo.com
